Review for Dare by Tricia Mingerink

Have you ever felt paralyzed by fear? Have you ever watched events unfold and know you could stop them or change them if only you had enough courage? Have you ever hated yourself for your lack of bravery? If the answer to any of these questions is “Yes!” then you share something in common with the two main characters of Tricia Mingerink’s debut novel, Dare.

Third Blade Leith Torren, one of King Respen’s most trusted assassins, is wounded on a mission for the king and finds himself at the mercy of two girls whose parents’ deaths he was responsible for four years ago. Renna uses her skills as a healer to save his life though she fears for her own, and that of her sister’s, should he learn of their forbidden faith. If she was brave she would not hide it from this wounded stranger. If she were brave she could forgive him for his part in her parents’ deaths. But Renna is not brave. As Leith is slowly nursed back to health he dreads the day he will be well enough to return to the king. If he was brave he would have stayed out in the cold and bled to death, rather than bring trouble on this family. If he was brave he would lie to the king about what he has seen and heard. But Leith is not brave. And the day is getting closer when he will need to make a decision.

I felt as if this book were written for me. Like Renna, I am a very introverted person, especially when placed in uncertain situations. I have felt that same fear and uncertainty that holds her back (though, in my case, I have never feared for my life). I have experienced that same temptation to hide behind my fear and tell myself I am not one of those “brave people” who take risks. I felt for Leith as he struggled with his own fear for his life and for his soul. I sympathized with the supporting characters as they shared their faith with those they cared about, and as they watched them struggle to believe in a God who loves them. 
From the very first line, the plot and the characters snatched me into the story. I felt as if I was living the events with them. There are characters everyone can relate to and admire, from the tortured Leith Torren to the fearful Renna Faythe, and her fearless sister, Brandi. The character development in this book was phenomenal. If you secretly love books that make it impossible for you to do anything “productive”, this is a book for you. I anxiously await the sequel!

Schooling versus Raising Children

"You don't know this? Oh, that's right, you were homeschooled."

"They have no social skills. They were homeschooled."

"I would hate being homeschooled."

"Homeschooling is the worst thing you could do for a kid."

"I forget, you were homeschooled. You didn't have any friends."

"So and so was homeschooled, which basically means they did nothing all day."

I smile like I'm not offended and swallow my annoyance. I have been dealing with this my whole life. People say stuff like this all the time, sometimes in jest, and sometimes before they know I was homeschooled. They hasten to assure me I am the exception to the rule, or they say silly things like, "I love you anyway." Neither response serves to sooth my injured sense of identity.  What I feel like they are really saying is, "You came from a horrible situation, but by some miracle you managed to turn out okay." I feel like they are negating all the good my parents did for me by homeschooling.

I do not subscribe to the idea that homeschooling is the only correct way to educate or parent your children. I recognize that it does not work for every family. I recognize it has been done well and that it has not been done well. I support your decision to send your child to public school as long as you don't check out on your child's education and leave everything up to the system. I feel the same way if you send your child to private school. I feel the same way about sending your child to Bible class at church.

However, I do have a problem with the argument that homeschooling results in unsocialized, uneducated children. False. Lack of intentional interaction results in unsocialized children. Lack of intentional educating results in uneducated children. There are children in public AND private schools that have poor social skills. This is not a result of the system. They came to school that way. I'm not saying it is entirely the parents' fault either. How many of you can say you were NOT socially awkward at one point in time or another? I am a result of a homeschooling family. When I am socially awkward it is because I am shy, not because I don't know how to interact with other people. I also happen to be an introvert. This is not a result of being homeschooled. This is my personality.

It is not the school system's job, public or private, to raise your children into self-sufficient, socialized adults. That is your job. In my role as a teacher in a Christian school, I do my best to challenge my students in different ways, academically as well as socially, and I am allowed to do so from a Biblical perspective, but I have limited power.  I cannot raise your children and I cannot fulfill all of their social-emotional needs. Does that mean I shirk my duty while they are under my care? Of course not! But what it does mean is that if you depend upon me to raise your child eight hours a day, your child's needs are not going to be met, and it could result in social (or even academic) discrepancies.  You are the person they come to at the end of the day to process. You are the constant who has been with them from the moment their life began. You know the whole child. I only know that child I see during the school day. I don't know how they interact with their siblings, what's going on at home, or how far they have come from when they started school. I don't know what struggles they have had in the past or what baggage they bring with them when they enter my classroom. You DO!

Let's flip the coin a bit. If you are a homeschooling family you have more influence over your children, and you have more flexibility in how you raise and educate them.  However, if you want to raise well-educated, socialized human beings, you will need to take advantage of some outside resources. You will need to allow, and encourage your children to interact with other people outside your home, of different beliefs, different age groups, and different cultures. For instance, if you take a trip to Europe because you can, you might have to make your eleven-year-old daughter order hot chocolate and a pastry in a German cafe....in German. You might have your children attend different youth group events at church, or participate in the adult discussion in your small group Bible study. You might really challenge them by allowing them to take classes at the community college for supplemental fine arts.  All of these scenarios are going to involve you partnering with other people outside of your family for the development of your child. If you do none of these things and simply look for curriculum or educational resources for teaching your child to read, you will need to partner with someone else.

The keys are intentionality and teamwork. If you recognize a need that your child has that is not being met, you look for a way to meet it, whether that means homeschooling or sending them to someone else. If I recognize a need your child has that is not being met, I'm going to ask for your insight.  If your child's academic, social, or spiritual development is being hindered in some way as a result of being in my classroom, I will more than support your decision as their parent to take them out of my class so that their needs can be met. We are a team. We want the same thing.

Proverbs 22:6
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Deuteronomy 6:7
"You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise."

Psalm 127:3
"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward."

Healer's Curse Review

In spite of life's craziness, I have managed to read a few really good books in the past couple of months. One of which is Kathrese McKee's novella Healer's Curse. Below is the review I submitted to Goodreads and Amazon. Read it if you are so inclined and then go buy the book! It is on sale at Amazon.com in e-book form for 99 cents.

Have you ever been given a responsibility and not been able to carry it out? Have you ever felt like a failure for your inability to do something you believe you were called to? If so, you will be able to relate to Lady Elilan, the main character in Healer’s Curse.
Elilan has been given the gift of healing. But when her gift fails to save the lives of her husband and mother-in-law, she stops using it altogether, fearful of causing more death. Meanwhile, tensions are high between the Twin Kingdoms, more so since the disappearance of the royal children. When a southern soldier is injured while protecting the northern and southern queens, Elilan takes him under her care. As the two become friends, Raymon challenges her beliefs about her gift. Elilan begins to question whether or not the power to heal has ever truly been hers.
Once again, Kathrese McKee has done a beautiful job in making her readers care about her characters in a short amount of time. Elilan’s struggle with guilt over her perceived failures is true-to-life. As a teacher, I began my career with enthusiasm, wanting to teach all my students the best I could and let them know they were loved in all that I did. Many times I have been brought to the realization that any talent I have is God’s and I cannot teach the way I need to without him. I loved Elilan’s grandfather, and watching their close-knit relationship. His gentle counsel and faith reminded me of older people I know who have provided wisdom and guidance at critical times in my life. Raymon, though beautifully written as a strong, yet gentle character is still as much a mystery to me as he is to Elilan. I suspect this is by design, however, as Healer’s Curse is meant to serve as an introduction to these characters. I loved reading his interactions with Elilan, and look forward to getting to know him better in the coming books.
If you enjoyed Mardan’s Mark, you will enjoy Healer’s Curse. Though short, it is very well-written, giving the reader plenty of opportunity to get to know the characters and engage in the story. You will not feel cheated, though you will be hungry for more at the end! If you have not read Mardan’s Mark (go read it!) you will still be able to enjoy this book, though you may have questions about a couple references. Overall, this was a truly enchanting read and a great reminder that our gifts are not our own. We are but tools in the hands of our Master (Ephesians 2:10; 1 Corinthians 1:27-31; 1 Corinthians 12:7-11)

3 things I've learned about my childhood through my experiences as an adult....

Happy Late-February, Everyone!

Let's just get this out of the way right now: The once a week posting is probably not going to happen. This is probably a good thing because I will only post when I have something to say. Nobody wants to read my mindless ramblings. As amusing as my high school blog is to read, I find myself wondering why I thought anyone would care what I had for breakfast on a particular morning. Or that I went to the library by myself. Or the fact that I drank coffee. Nobody wants to know about those things unless there is a particular story connected with said activities.  I will spare you the play-by-play and the random thoughts with no conclusions.

However, as it so happens, I do have something to talk about today. As I am now in my second full year of teaching middle school students, I am finding myself at odds with my inner adolescent. Looking back, I remember what it was like to be my students' age. I remember certain things being huge deals. For instance, the fact that I was finally allowed to drink coffee at the tender age of 14, or spend an hour in the library without my parents, were very big deals at that age! I remember being annoyed at the unreasonableness of adults, and I remember thinking they didn't understand me, despite their insistence that they were once teenagers too.

Now, as a middle school teacher in a small private school where I actually have the opportunity to be involved in my students' lives, I find myself looking in a mirror. I see a completely different side of things and part of me hates myself for it.  I am now the adult with "unreasonable" expectations that I no longer see as unreasonable. I am now the adult who "doesn't understand" and thinks teenagers are being overly dramatic. I find myself having the same interactions I had with my parents, giving the same speeches I resented as a teenager, and all the while thinking, "I've been here before."  I have become the enemy. I see it in their eyes which they barely manage to resist rolling after I change their seating arrangements. I hear it in their voices as they protest some new rule I have made as a result of their poor choices.

On the other hand, I look back on my teenage years and I see things that I couldn't see before.  The phrase, "You'll understand someday." is so irritatingly true. It's what people say when they realize no amount of lecturing will result in understanding.  I can't tell you the number of times my parents, youth ministers, youth interns, and other adults in my life would tell me things they wish they had known when they were my age.  I remember thinking, "Yeah, that's nice, but you just don't understand what it's like to be me." Now as an adult having experienced all the things they were talking about I think, "Dang it! Why didn't I listen?". Some things you just have to experience before you can understand. Thus "blessed" with a greater perspective on life, I look back at scenes in my childhood and I notice an entirely new dynamic that was not there before.  And so, here are three things about my childhood I didn't understand until I was an adult:

1. Half the time, adults were preaching to themselves.
Adults, with all their experience and hard-won knowledge, were desperately trying to impart wisdom to a group of adolescents with no framework with which to fit this knowledge. Yeah, we knew sex before marriage was wrong, but we didn't really understand why that was difficult. We knew we were supposed to love everyone, because that's what Jesus would do, but what did that really mean, anyway? Try teaching a lesson on love to a group of adolescents. 1 Corinthians 13 has a WHOLE different meaning to me now as an adult than it did as a teenager. As a teenager, my only thought was how to apply this passage to my future husband. This wonderful man who was going to love me like no other. He was going to be my prince charming and we would live happily every after because we waited for marriage.  As an adult, I read this chapter and wonder how anyone can think love happens by chance? Love is HARD. Try applying this verse to your husband or wife when they get on your nerves! Try applying this to a coworker who is making work life really difficult. Try applying it to a teenager who is making it very difficult to LIKE him, let alone love him. I try to impart all this wisdom to my 6th and 7th graders. I am met with a mixture of silly answers, blank stares, and only a few expressions that show me they are trying to digest this hard truth about life. Can they fully understand this hard truth at this tender stage of their life? Probably not. Do I still think it is a valuable lesson for them to hear now? Absolutely. Even if they don't know what to do with it now, someday it will come back to them and make sense.

2. A lot of the time, adults DIDN'T know the right answer.
This is kind of a scary thought, but one I have pondered a lot recently. I remember being in youth group with adults in charge who were my current age and older. I thought they knew everything....or at least they thought they knew everything. They had arrived at that magical place called "adulthood" where they always made the right choice, and always knew the right answer. This is why they were in charge. I'm twenty-seven years old and I am still waiting for this magical transformation to happen to me. I suspect I'm going to be waiting for some time too. On the other hand, there were those adults who were out of touch with the younger generation, didn't understand us, and therefore could not always make the right decision concerning us.  Imagine my dismay at being partly correct.  I have moments in my interactions with my students when I question if I really made the correct move in my instruction or disciplining of a particular student. I have moments when I am certain I did not.  I look back ten years and I see my parents struggling with decisions they made concerning me and my siblings.  Suddenly, their inconsistencies as parents become forgivable. Adults are humans. They try their best, and they are just as heartbroken as their kids when they turn out to be wrong.

3. Secretly, adults were actually jealous of us.
Not that my parents actually wanted to go back and relive their adolescent years. However, adulthood comes with a loss of innocence about the world.  I remember having so much fun goofing off and talking about silly things with my friends. I remember being able to write carefree journal entries explaining my thoughts to the world because everyone was entitled to my opinion. I remember what it was like to daydream. Thankfully, I have not completely grown out of that.  The difference now is that I know what reality is. Back then, anything was possible. It's a lot easier to be strong in your faith when your parents are handling all the "adult" realities. It's a lot harder when you can't escape them. I look back and I see condescending smiles turn into happy smiles reflecting on their own childhood innocence.  At the time I resented it because I thought they were patting me on the head and telling me how cute I was.  Some of them were.  However, I think at least some of the time, they were just happy for me and my innocent, joyful outlook on life.

It is good to look back and understand things in a new light. Maybe by looking back and understanding my childhood a little better, I will be better equipped to bridge the gap in maturity as I work with my students. It's true: they have a limited perspective on life. That's not their fault. Just because I see their daily dramas as insignificant does not mean they are not important. If I recognize the fact that I have not "arrived" at the magical adulthood where everything makes sense, then I must allow that my daily dramas are also insignificant in the eternal scheme of things.  Yet to me, they are my entire world. I am just an angsty middle schooler in God's great classroom of life.  How thankful I am that God does not brush away my concerns and frustrations with life because He has more important things to do.  God knows where I am, and He knows where I am going, and He is going to help me get there. May I be more like Him in my dealings with immature middle schoolers. Because really, we are the same.

 "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." 1 Corinthians 13:11-12

11 things I would say to myself at seventeen...

Dear 17 year old Jessica,

I have been reading your journal for the past week. You have quite a lot to say.  Some of it is actually quite wise for your age and serves as a timely, and well needed, reminder for your adult-self.  Your reflections on scripture, and desire to do God's will both inspire and convict me. Some of it is amusing.  Your tirades and soapboxes make me laugh.  You waste so much energy. The back and forth dialogue with yourself over life choices concerning your future make me want to sit you down and give you herbal tea to drink. Your inner turmoil over your character pulls at my heartstrings.  Reliving your world through your eyes, I thought of several pieces of advice I would give you, which, if taken, would have made your life easier. Here are eleven pieces of advice I wish I had listened to when I was seventeen:

1.  Keep blogging. You are much happier when you have a way to think through and process the things that happen to you from day to day.

2. Appreciate your family, especially your siblings.  You have some awesome friends (I will talk about them in a minute.) But ten years from now, you will all get married, move away, and your focus will be on other things.  Your family will always be there.  You have no idea how much influence you have with your siblings, or how much your words affect them. Do not take this lightly. Use your power to encourage them.  Whether they show it or not, they hold you in high regard and they will believe what you tell them.

3. Appreciate your friends and be there for them through their unique struggles.  You have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and they are all human beings who experience trials and difficulties, just like you. These trials are difficult to deal with...uncomfortable sometimes. Sometimes you don't know how to be there for your friends.  Sometimes you are tired of being there for them and wish someone else would step in.  But they need you to stay constant.  They do not have many friends like you.  Also, you have some pretty awesome friends who are smart, loyal, and committed to growing in their faith.  Take some time to recognize this, and encourage them.  See what you can learn from them. You do not want to let these friends fall out of your life.  These are the kind of friends who will become like family.

4. Take a creative writing class.  You want to be a better writer, you need to be challenged, and you need structure. You have the time now, and you can get dual credit for it! Take advantage of these opportunities while you have them. Once you graduate, your time will not be your own. And while we're on the topic of dual credit....

5. Take more dual credit classes! College is expensive and the one you are currently obsessed with is not going to help you much with financial aid.  Take as many dual credit classes as you can and transfer to that college with a couple years under your belt. It will save you debt in the long run, and open up more opportunities for you when you do leave home.

6. Sometimes you need to be direct and say what you mean. You don't like hurting people's feelings, or disappointing people. However, sometimes you have a tendency to avoid saying what needs to be said.  As a result you create false impressions which will cause trouble for you later on, resulting in more hurt feelings and disappointments than if you had been direct from the start.  Even if they get their feelings hurt initially, in the long run, people will appreciate you for having the integrity to say what you mean.

7. Try to think outside the box.  Face the ideas that scare you. You do not have to adopt them, but don't be afraid to examine them to see if they have any merit.  Truth does not mind being questioned. Realize that there is often more than one right way to do things, and look for answers which are not obvious.  Apply to more than one college. Visit more colleges.  Read more non-fiction books that do not fall into the "dating", "courtship" or "waiting for Prince Charming" categories.

8. Grant others grace. Your leaders, your friends, your parents....they are all human and they will all fail and disappoint you.  No one, no matter how perfect by human standards, is immune to failure.  Accept it when it happens, and offer encouragement.  Allow others to make mistakes and learn from them.  There are plenty of people who are all too willing to cast judgement, say "I told you so", and write others off when they mess up.  Be one of the few who stays faithful.

9. Grant yourself grace. The fact that you recognize the areas of your life which need improvement is a very big thing at your age, and it is important to growth at any stage of life.  But do not beat yourself up every time you fail.  Constantly berating yourself will not make you a better Christian, student, or friend.  Recognize your mistakes. Accept them. Ask for forgiveness if necessary. Move on and do better the next day. Love yourself so that you can love others.

10. Don't be afraid to let go.  You are about to leave home, friends, and family to begin your own life in college.  Completely new territory, completely new people, and only you to make decisions on your day-to-day lives.  When that happens, don't cloister yourself in your dorm room. Make friends early! Get out and talk to people. Go to the cafeteria with your roommate, go to the mall with that girl across the hall.  Your friends and family back home expect that you will gain new experiences and add new people to your life. It's okay to make new friends. The people who are meant to be in your life will always be there.

11. Remember, God IS in control. He sees you where you are and loves you where you are.  In your darkest moments, when you feel most distant, he is still there. He does have a plan for you. Don't try to figure it out, you'll drive yourself crazy, and you will miss opportunities.  Instead, respond daily in obedience to the opportunities he lays before you (Matthew 22:37-40). You will find God's purpose for your life in simple acts of submission to his will for all his followers. Remember this too: 

"For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.  So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:12-13

Sincerely,

27 year old Jessica

P.S. Dear Reader, knowing what you know now, what advice would you give a younger version of yourself? Leave a comment and let me know what advice you would give to yourself and at what age!

Looking Back Ten Years Part 2

One of the quirks of 17 year old me, was that I enjoyed filling out surveys. Today, I thought it would be fun to re-take a survey from 2004 and see how my answers are different in 2014.  I did not include the entire survey, which was 40 questions long, just highlights.  It was interesting to see how my opinions have changed, and how many things have stayed the same.  Enjoy!

In 2004...2014
What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? 

17 year old me: went out of country without my parents (This was the year I went to Hungary on a mission trip.)

27 year old me: In 2014 I traveled to Croatia and to Ukraine all by myself with no parents, no group, and no husband. This included missing the actual flight to Croatia from London, rescheduling my flight, navigating the French airport, losing my luggage, navigating the Austrian airport, checking into an Austrian hotel, finding food in Austria, and making my way back to the airport all by myself!

Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 

17 year old me: I don't remember my new years resolutions if I had any and as for 05...get into my own REGULAR personal Bible study

27 year old me: Last year I was very intentional about NOT making a New Years resolution because I got tired of hating myself when I did not keep them.  While I am not a fan of the term "New Years resolutions" I do recognize the need for certain changes/improvements in my life.  New Years is as good a time as any to make these changes. In 2015, I will be pursuing more Bible study, church involvement, and intentionality in my relationships with others.

 Did someone close to you give birth?

17 year old me: um..they weren't really close to me.. 

27 year old me: Yes! My best friend, Kayla gave birth to her firstborn son, Caspian, and my brother-in-law and sister-in-law welcomed their secondborn, Jasper.

 What countries did you visit? 

17 year old me:Hungary and the German airport

27 year old me: Croatia, Austria, Ukraine, and England

What events from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 

17 year old me: ACU Homecoming, Kayla's Graduation, Carousel (the musical), and the e3 trip. [[Note: e3 was the name of the drama group I was a part of at the time. It stood for Energize, Encourage, and Exalt...e3]]

27 year old me: Joe and Lauren's wedding, Kayla and Trevor's last days in the USA, learning that they were pregnant, Barrett and Elaine's wedding, and Ukraine.  Why? The common themes in all of those moments are Community, and God's continued presence in our lives.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? 

17 year old me: hm...lol making the last three of the people auditioning for the part of Julie...maybe something bigger but since I said Carousel that was on my mind...hehe

27 year old me: Paying off the rest of my school loans...less than six months till we are debt free!

What song will always remind you of 2004? 

17 year old me: REMIND me of 04? oh goodness i dunno...

27 year old me: Let it Go!

Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or hardened?

17 year old me: hm...idk good question. I'm happier because of what I know now that I didn't know then, and I'm hardened in a good way...in the sense that I'm stronger.

27 year old me: I am probably more hardened. Adulthood has a way of doing that to people.

ii. thinner or fatter?

17 year old me: hehe idk, last time i checked i was the same weight..

27 year old me: I am probably about the same weight, but maybe a little more toned since I have been working out more.

iii. richer or poorer?

17 year old me: um...yes

27 year old me: Richer! We payed off my school debt and we both got raises this year!

What do you wish you'd done more of? 

17 year old me: staying on task for school

27 year old me: Preparing materials for my lessons, staying on top of my grading, and going to Bible class at church.

What do you wish you'd done less of? 

17 year old me: fretting

27 year old me: fretting

 How did you spend Christmas?

17 year old me: with my family at my house :-)

27 year old me: With my husband's family in San Antonio.

Did you fall in love in 2004? 

17 year old me: no. 

27 year old me: I fell in love with my husband, over and over again.

What was your favorite TV program? 

17 year old me: my favorite made-for-tv movie was Samantha.

27 year old me: Girl Meets World, When Calls the Heart, and Castle

What was the best book you read? 

17 year old me: um..Beowulf, Love Comes Softly...THE BIBLE!

27 year old me: The Cast of Stones Trilogy by Patrick Carr, and Mardan's Mark by Kathrese McKee

Favorite film of this year? 

17 year old me: Phantom of the Opera!

27 year old me: Annie

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

17 year old me: I got a phonecall :-D woot! We celebrated my birthday the day before Christmas eve, and Grandma was there and we had a phantom of the opera pound cake...and I was seventeen. :-D

27 year old me: On my birthday, my coworkers decorated my desk, brought me chocolate, coffee, and tea, and gave me two cards (one from the entire staff, and one from the Upper School Team). A week later, Matthew and I went to see Annie for a belated birthday celebration. I turned 27.

How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? 

17 year old me: uh...?

27 year old me: Sophisticated, trendy, and scholarly. That's what I was going for anyway, who knows if I succeeded.

What political issue stirred you the most? 

17 year old me: People blaming Bush for the war etc.

27 year old me: The war in Ukraine

 Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

17 year old me: "Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed for Good."

27 year old me: "To everything turn, turn turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn and a time for every purpose under Heaven..."

Looking Back Ten Years....

I have spent the past five days revisiting old writings, having recently discovered that my LiveJournal, which was created over ten years ago, is still available for reading!  After reading about a year's worth of journal entries from my sixteenth to seventeenth year, I made the following observations:

10 years ago....

1. I had little to no respect for proper writing conventions.  Okay, this is really not that big of a deal, but it is amusing, and slightly embarrassing. Apparently, the idea that I would one day grow up and become a middle school language arts teacher who might possibly come back and re-read my own journal was not a huge concern of mine at the time.

2. I ranted a LOT and about everything under the sun: church politics, friend drama, Hollywood agendas, my future life, the unfairness of my present life, regrets of my past life, the list goes on. I was open about just about everything.  Granted, the only people reading my journal were my two best friends.  One of them was very familiar with most of the topics and people I would rant about, which provided us both with a way to process and discuss our day-to-day experiences at a time when we both needed an outlet for such things. The other friend, who lived on the other side of the state, was able to offer some badly needed objectivity and insight which I may not have taken from my parents at the time.

3. I processed more as a teenager than I do as an adult.  True, a lot of that was ranting and raving about things beyond my control.  But another part of it was looking back on my day and taking note of moments and interactions which were meaningful to me at the time.  I did not always articulate why they were meaningful, but I almost always recognized them in one way or another.

However, the main thing that struck me is how seventeen-year-old me and twenty-seven year old me are still very much the same person. Certainly, I have learned to be a little more discreet in how I express myself.  Some might argue a little too discreet.  I still have that need to process and untangle my thoughts and emotions through writing.  I still have that desire to be heard and understood by my peers, as well as the hesitancy to voice my thoughts, especially in settings where my opinion is not popular (hence my need for a journal).  I still loathe controversy and do my best to stay far away from topics which will result in fervent disagreement.  I still wonder what people think of me, and whether or not I should voice my thoughts on controversial matters.

What has changed?

To answer this question I needed a little help from those who knew me best, and would provide me with an honest and straightforward answer: my siblings.

According to my sister, I am "less angsty" now than I was as a teenager, which was a huge relief to me. Looking back on my old entries, I noticed a lot of exclamation marks. Absolutely everything was a big deal to me.

According to my youngest brother, I appreciate sibling company more.  I would add that I appreciate all of my family members more.  Seventeen-year-old me believed she was misunderstood by every single member in her family, and therefore closed herself off from siblings and parents.  It was not until I went away to Junior Scholars (a month long summer program for Juniors going into their Senior year of high school to get college credits) that I began to appreciate my family.  Which is a shame. My siblings have a lot of shared memories that I do not have because I kept myself away from them.

According to the brother closest in age to me I "ration my happy emotions more".  This from the brother who is very big into "mind over matter" stuff.  He does have a point however, in that as a teenager I was very often functioning on one end of the spectrum or another.  This is reflected in my journal entries. The world was wonderful and I loved everybody in it, or the world was terrible and I was the worst person of all.  In between moments were few and far between.  While there are times when I still feel this way, I am happy to know I am maturing enough to the point where I now take things in stride and cut others and myself a little more grace.

So what about you? How have you changed in the past ten years? What do you hope will be different about you ten years from now? Leave a comment below. Happy New Year!