Flow of Consciousness....

I want out.

I want out. 

I want out.

Terrified of the moment this all catches up with us and is undeniable by those defending this administration.

Terrified of how many more lives are going to be lost or ruined while we sit back and watch this train wreck.

Holding on to faith and asking what I can do in this moment. It never feels like enough. It never feels like it's going to make a difference. And it might not. But maybe that's not the point. Maybe it's not my job to "make a difference". Maybe it's my job to try. Maybe it's my job to plant seeds without knowing which ones are going to blossom.

Sometimes the trees are bare, but they still provide a home for birds.

Sometimes presence is all we can do. It might not make it better. Maybe it'll make it less bad.

I want a better life for my children. But maybe a better life will not create the children that I want. Maybe we need to do the best we can with what we have. 

I maybe by staying here in the yuck I can make a better life for someone else's children. 

So many other people  engage in the yuck on Facebook and everywhere else. I'm over here crying for peace and struggling to figure out what that looks like. How do we have peace when no one is willing to listen? I cannot make others listen. I can only be a listener. I can hold space. I can hold boundaries. Maybe someone will someday get to the point where they might listen to me? I don't know.

I just know that I'm tired.

I'm tired of waking up to acts of war every day, domestic and foreign.

I'm tired of worrying about my friends in Ukraine.

I'm tired of the mental gymnastics.

I'm tired of always worrying that I'm saying the wrong thing, even if it's the honest thing.

I'm tired of nobody feeling safe.

We could move to another state, another country. That might mean saying good-bye to some family members forever.

What's going to happen to Matthew's job?

Do I go back to work?

I want to support Public Schools, but also I don't want to go anywhere near a public school.

I loved my time in private schools (correction: ONE private school), but I would not return there either.

How sustainable is homeschooling for me? Mentally? Financially? Long term?

Everything feels hard.

Nothing feels easy.

Starting to feel like I've "made it" at church now. I have friends. I have a place. I feel like I belong. How would that change if I were honest about all the things I really think?

Am I ruining my kids? Do I over-worry about James and not enough about Emberleigh and Evelyn? Am I giving them complexes? Am I too involved or not enough involved? Am I giving them the right kind of skills? 

Do other people think I spoil my children or give too much power away?

Most certainly, yes. Doesn't matter. It bothers me. Sometimes it's true. Sometimes it's not. I can not worry about how I look to other people. It's too much of a distraction and it completely disables me from doing what I need to do.

I'm so tired.

I'm 38 and I haven't been to a doctor since my 20s...(not counting natal appointments). I should go to the dentist and the doctor. Technically, we're insured. But starting that mess feels overwhelming. I can barely keep up with stuff for my kids.

Speaking of kids, James has been seeing a play therapist and I'm ready to end appointments because I don't think this particular situation is worth it, but I feel bad because it's a ministry, the girl makes next to nothing and I don't like conflict, so I need to end it but I keep not doing it.

Ending it would free up forty dollars a week. That's my biggest motivation. I realize 40 buck a week is nothing, which is why we're able to do it. But I also don't think it's giving him the skills I'm wanting him to get from it.

To spend money or not to spend money. That's the question about everything in existence. I nearly have a heart attack every time I go to the store and buy five things. 

Birthday parties and Christmas. I really miss the days when other people were in charge of those.

Wanting to initiate friendships. Always overthinking every single interaction and text. Low-key wondering if I'm on the ADHD/Autism spectrum.

Even stupid stuff like gifts. Should I give a gift? Should I not? Will giving this person a small gift because I thought about them make them feel that they have to give me a gift which is not the point?

Someone does something nice for me. Do I reciprocate? What if I can't reciprocate? What if I can't reciprocate in the same way? What if I never do and they feel like they're always giving and I'm never contributing?

I've felt like I was the only one contributing to relationships before. It stunk.

Always talking myself out of things.

Wishbone. Ramona. Reading Rainbow. Mister Rogers. Carmen Sandiago. Ann Rinaldi.

Making up stories with your friends where you were never quite sure where fantasy ended and reality was seeping in.

Grown-ups that taught us to love first. That taught us we were loved no matter what. That showed us unconditional love, no matter what. Youth groups who texted unknown numbers to encourage someone who felt like they might be gay way before that was a commonly accepted thing. Because they never wanted someone to feel unloved. Talking for hours to someone on a landline. Writing letters. Long walks with a grown-up. Trips to the store with your dad because he could tell you needed a change of scenery. Invitations from your neighbor to join you for a movie because she could tell you needed a break from your family. Friends parents who took me to Sing Song, and out to dinner for graduation. Friends of your husband who reach out when you get engaged to tell you they remember your scholarship essays from LTC. Letters and gift baskets from people who know how much you loved your school and how heartbroken you are that it's closing. Communicating through broken English and Ukrainian and non-verbals to people of a different culture. Extended family members and church members who visited you in the hospital when your son went to NICU.

Once when you were still a baby, the fields just grew and grew
We were happy then, remember?
When the world was green in the blue.

Meadows, like a sultan's carpet beneath your baby shoe
They'll be yours again, I promise
When the world grows green in the blue

Stand your ground and work beside me, and Earth will bloom anew
When the mountains fold, and the caged birds fly, and the grass gets greener before our eyes
As the world grows green under clear blue skies
When the world grows green in the blue