Back to School

 I always get a little nostalgic around this time of year as I scroll through my friends' various back-to-school posts. Whether they are going back to school as a teacher, or sending their kid off for the first time, or to a new school, or a new grade. I remember the times when I was a part of that season and I was looking forward to a fresh new year with a combination of new and familiar students, new challenges, freshly decorated classrooms, and a solid team of teachers and administrators who had my back (Yes, I know. I had the dream.)

I still have a bit of the excitement as a homeschool mom. There's new curriculum, new subjects, new supplies. And to some extent, new teachers. We are entering our fourth year at the preschool at our church, but now it's just my youngest there. I'm thankful for those teachers and that team that has been there for all three of my children.

But this year the back to school nostalgia is hitting different. Because while everyone else is going back to a team of people, we're stuck in limbo waiting to see what will happen with our one-day-a-week co-op. My girls have people ready to teach them Science and Social Studies. My son's teachers are dependent on whether or not we add more kids to his class. A possibility that is looking less likely the closer we get to the start of school.

This year, it feels like we're being left behind. Everyone has their groups and we are on our own. 

And yes, I chose to homeschool. I chose not to do a hybrid program. But I wasn't counting on it being so lonely, especially when there are so many homeschooling families in our community. I wasn't counting on having to be the one to decide whether or not our co-op even meets this year based on enrollment of kids in my son's age bracket. Whether to keep it alive for my girls, or kill it because it doesn't have a place for my son.

Not going to lie, I am feeling a little bit abandoned. I'm trying hard to keep resentment at bay, but I've been here before...and while it's not as traumatic as the last time, it is poking at my insecurities in ways the last time didn't.

And yes, it's also true that our situation with the co-op wasn't perfect and even with it I have a lot of questions, uncertainties, and stressors when it comes to educating my children, particularly with my almost-certainly-GT-possibly-but-not-confirmed-ADHD child, and with the prevalent homeschooling culture in general. And maybe this shifting is making way for something that will ultimately be better for our family.

I hope so. But I don't know that. And that's where I'm living right now. 

I know that ultimately, we will be okay. This is not the end of the world. God will work it out. I believe that, truly. I know we have resources and education that not everyone has. I know that many, many people find a way to educate their kids with consideration of more factors than I have going on. There ARE options out there. It may just be a matter of letting go of my own vision and seeing what God can do with it.

Things I do not care about

Arguments about Artificial Intelligence - No, I will not pick a side. Yes, I would be fine if it disappeared. Yes, I also still use it..I also use cellphones and I wish those would disappear. This is the world we live in. We're all doing our best to cope.

Literal, Figurative, or Inspired scripture arguments. Don't care.

I do not care what school your kids go to. 

I do not care if you are Team public, home school, or private school. I make my own choices based on what is right for me and my family and I support you as you do the same.

I do not care whether or not you medicate your ADHD or your children's ADHD.

I DO care that you take responsibility for what's yours

I do not care what books your children read or do not read. I'm interested, but I'm not judging.

I do not care if you say The Pledge of Allegiance or have the 10 Commandments in your room. I have feelings about both, but you do you.

I DO care about the way you speak about teachers, regardless of where they teach.

I do not care what curriculum you use. I care what curriculum I use, but again: you do you.

I do not care if you vaccinate your children. I DO care what you tell other people about vaccinations if you can't back it up with a medical study.

I do not care if you breastfed or used formula, had a medicated or unmedicated birth, are Team hospital, home birth, or birthing center. I DO care that you respect other people's choices and recognize that they have nothing to do with yours.

I do not care if you believe in 7 day literal Creation or the idea that Genesis was written by an ancient biblical author using his own understanding of the world to write about the God he knew.

I do not care if you are "Old Earth" or "New Earth". I have questions if you are "Flat Earth", but mostly I'm just curious about that one...

I do not care that there are inconsistencies in the Bible. I DO care that we acknowledge their existence and leave room for interpretation. I believe there is room for faithful, academic (though limited, because, human) interpretation without throwing out Science or Faith.

I do not care if you say "Word of God" when referring to scripture, or what translation you use.

I do not care if you used TEFA.

I do not care if you did not use TEFA.

I DO have feelings and opinions about the existence of TEFA, but that's another story that I am willing to share if you approach with curiosity and respect, knowing I am not judging you for your choices, and with the expectation that you will not judge me for mine.

I do not care whether you consider yourself "pro life" or "pro choice". I DO care about how you live that out.

I do not care what you think about gender roles, gender identity, LGBTQ+, pronouns, woke/not-woke, whatever. I DO care how you treat people who are different than you and whether you are speaking and acting towards them in the same way you would want them to speak and act towards you.

I do not care if you are for or against immigration, whether you think we should have closed or open borders. The arguments for and against both are so far above my education and pay grade that I'm not going to argue one way or the other.

I DO care about how the people who are already here are treated regardless of their legal status.

I am not interested in culture wars. I refuse to draw a line between "us" and "them", "the church" and "the world", "liberals" and "conservatives" or whatever categories you want to use. We all have something to learn from each other.

It doesn't mean I don't have beliefs and convictions.

It doesn't mean I don't believe in right and wrong.

It doesn't mean I think we should accept every viewpoint.

It doesn't mean I don't have boundaries for myself and my family.

It means I understand we're all doing the best we have with the knowledge, information, circumstances, and resources that we have available to us. I have a responsibility to use what I am given responsibly, and that includes using my listening ears when other people with different life experiences are talking.  Do I live this out perfectly? No. Do I have biases? Definitely! You can look back over my list of "don't cares" and probably pick up on a few of them.

But I am so tired of the landmines around absolutely everything, from groceries to politics. Nothing is safe anymore, and I'm tired of it.

So come to me however you are. I promise to listen to your convictions and do my best to respect them and learn from them. I promise to give you the Most Generous Interpretation. If you are interested in truly understanding my opposite perspective I am happy to share where I am coming from. I do not expect us to agree on everything, but hopefully we can learn to appreciate each other.

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Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

Unpopular Opinion about Voicemails for Isabelle

This is not the most important thing you will read today....I certainly hope not anyway. This is not about the social-political chaos that is our world right now. This is not unfiltered thoughts about motherhood, or middle age, or anything like that. 

This has (probably) no lasting importance for anyone but me, and I'm probably not going to submit my review anywhere but here. So if you're reading this consider yourself part of an exclusive club. You didn't ask for this, but here we are.

I just watched Voicemails for Isabelle and I can't move on until I rant about it. If you loved this movie with your whole heart....I truly apologize for what I am about to do and am giving you fair warning to back out now before I ruin your day with my negative review.

*Takes a deep breath*

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Did we all watch the same movie? Or did some of us just watch the trailer and make up a movie in our head? Because the movie I was expecting after the trailer was much different than the movie I got.

The trailer portrayed all of the hallmarks of a classic 90s rom-com: The Meet-Cute, the Misunderstanding, the Grand Gesture. This led me to believe I would watch the movie and get the same warm-fuzzy vibes I get every time I watch You've Got Mail. They literally told me in the trailer that that's what they were going for. That is a bold claim. If the movie had fleshed out the trailer a little more and followed the same storytelling pacing I probably would have liked it.

The trailer LIED. Allow me to highlight the MANY glaring differences between the two movies.

Keep in mind that You've Got Mail is one of my all-time favorite movies.

First, the characters:

Kathleen Kelly in You've Got Mail is an independent business owner with a passion for books and storytelling and connections with her community who is a genuinely kind human being. Is she perfect? No. She makes judgments based on her fears and she engages in an emotional affair with an unknown person online while dating someone else. 

But she is likable because of the way she treats other people. She has friends and a community she cares about. She has integrity with herself. Eventually she and her boyfriend come to a place of honesty with each other when they say this isn't working for us but we'll end on friendly terms. Even in her hatred of Joe Fox, when she acts out of alignment with her value system she owns it and repents.

Jill in Voicemails for Isabelle is a struggling assistant chef in the big city with a verbally abusive boss. Why did she move to San Francisco to be a chef? Unclear. She has nobody there, nothing but a dead-end job. Everyone she cares about lives in Texas. 

Her whole character is defined by living for her sister who has Cystic Fibrosis and dies early on in the movie. She is sassy and abrasive for no reason and sleeps with literally any guy she goes on a date with. She is boy-sober for all of 2 seconds before starting a relationship with a guy she just meets and then almost sleeping with him and then flying back to Texas to be his plus one at a wedding. 

She has known this guy for EXACTLY two weeks. Unlike Kathleen...she does not take ownership of any of her crap. She is who she is and you can accept it or not. Which...fine, I guess. And she does some legitimately kind things in the movie, trying to recreate Wes' mother's dish, trying to help her co-worker, entertaining her sister...but it doesn't seem to land as something that is a genuine part of herself so much as she's trying to get something out of it for herself: One night stand, clout at her job, holding onto her relationship with her sister because she needs her. I needed to see these moments of kindness apart from anything else in order for it to be believable.

Joe Fox:

A successful businessman who comes from a family of questionable morals. In spite of that he has somehow managed to acquire some of his own. He intentionally pours into the children of his father and grandfather's flings and makes sure they are loved by at least one stable adult in their lives. He is kind and courteous even to people who are actively hostile towards him.

 He is also not perfect. He has tunnel vision in regards to his business and ends up hurting people as a result. However, when he realizes how his actions have hurt people he takes ownership of his mistakes and works to make amends. While he doesn't tell the whole truth at first in his correspondence with Kathleen, he is very intentional about not saying something that is untrue.

Wes:

A real-estate agent whose mother died. He has a very unhinged girlfriend at the start of the movie. He has nice southern manners, but really that is all we know about him. That and he has a friend who is a semi-cousin because their moms were BFFs. That's it. That's his whole character. 

He gets a new work phone whose number USED to be Isabelle's and he starts receiving voicemails from this random girl living in San Francisco and as a result "falls in love with her" and decides to go find her in San Francisco.

EDIT: Oh wait. We also know that he has a history of asking his work friend to make sketchy technology hacks for his career so...there's also that.

......

The Meet

Wes and Jill meet because he listens to her grief-processing voicemails, learns where her frequent hangouts are, finds her, sits down, starts a conversation and a two week relationship all the time knowing things about her that she hasn't told him and which he has no right to know.

Now...isn't that the same as You've Got Mail?

No, my dear sweet sibling, it is not.

The quality of difference is that Jill is sending voicemails that are basically just streams-of-consciousness to her dead sister Isabelle. Kathleen is sending EMAILS (which she thinks about, writes, and edits) to a specific person. Granted, she doesn't know who that is till the end of the movie. However, she shared the information in a correspondence that she consented to. The things Joe Fox knows, he knows because KATHLEEN TOLD HIM.

Wes is essentially listening to her voice diaries and eves dropping on her grieving process.

Even that wouldn't really bother me as much if his visit to San Francisco was about trying to be a friend to someone and help her through her grieving process because he understands something about grief. If they fell in love as a result of that, cool.

Would it still be questionable if it happened in real life? Yes, but this is a movie. I understand the difference between real life and fantasy, and as long as they make it believable I can suspend disbelief.

But this is not about helping someone through the grieving process. It's about being enamored with her and wanting to be with her from the start. He is in love with an idea.

And then they get together (after two seconds of being "boy sober"). She makes him a dish similar to one his mom made which is apparently an immediate turn-on. He has a crisis of conscience, doesn't sleep with her but spends the night, and invites her to be his plus one at the wedding of his best friend.

There is no reason for them to be this close. Zero. Zilch.

They have not had any real connection over anything. Everything has been surface level. They've had fun, but that's it. It doesn't. make. sense.

The storytelling:

The first half of Voicemails for Isabelle is about Jill's relationship with her sister and how she tried to make her life fun even though she couldn't go out into the world. That was genuinely sweet.

I really felt the emotion when Isabelle died. It was devastating. I thought about texting my sister and telling her not to die...(Every time I watch Little Women, when it gets to the part of Beth dying, I have to text my sister and remind her not to get Scarlet Fever. It annoys her every time, it's fantastic. She's also probably the only person reading this blog post and is already well aware of my deep and abiding hatred for this movie. *waves hi*)

Unfortunately...it didn't carry over to the rest of the movie.

Don't get me wrong, the fact that she misses her sister is obvious by the way she keeps messaging her...but I would have liked to see an actual difference in how she led her life before and after Isabelle. It would have made the loss more poignant throughout the rest of the story.

Jill's string of one night flings were icky and gross to watch and made it impossible to distinguish the difference between those flighty relationships and the new one with Wes. It would have been better if there was one fling with the influencer guy and we had time to sit with that relationship fall out for a while. I needed to see her actually be alone for more than two seconds of the movie and not trying to medicate her loneliness with one night stands. Instead she goes directly from that ghosting to hanging out with Wes who...again, has virtually no character.

He does have a pretty face and gentlemanly manners....but there is nothing else to him. I needed more of his backstory to be shown, not just told, in order for me to care about him.

In You've Got Mail, we have the initial set up SHOWING us who these two characters are, who they care about, and what they care about. Everything that comes after that widens and deepens that understanding. We see them change over the course of the movie. We see them struggle personally and professionally. By the end of the movie we have seen both characters grow.

The emotional pay out is WELL EARNED.

The Big Reveal:

You've Got Mail:

Joe Fox finds out that Kathleen Kelly is his secret pen pal in the middle of the movie and has to reconcile that with the beautiful spirit he's been corresponding with. He has to examine his own character and see how he has contributed to their poor relationship from the start. He holds back from revealing himself first because he knows how much he has already hurt her. Later he holds back because he wants to show her who he really is before he tells her. 

By the time Kathleen Kelly finds out the truth she has a better picture of who Joe Fox is and then has to reconcile that with the fantasy person she's been corresponding with. This whole thing takes place over the course of many months of conversations and interactions...with each other. Back and forth communication. In other words, she has enough information to make an informed decision about what kind of person she's going to be with.

Voicemails for Isabelle:

The big reveal happens by accident (again, after they've known each other less than a month) when Jill calls her sister and Wes' phone rings. Then he has to tell her he's been listening to her voicemails for almost a year. At this point, they've got nothing to fall back on. A revelation like that at this point in their relationship really should earn a RESTRAINING ORDER not a "You lied to me and I can't believe you would do this to me."

The emotional scene was completely unearned, as was every scene of their "relationship development".

The script:

Nora Ephron wrote a beautiful script with whimsical sentences that stay with you and make you feel like you are the ones in the movie. They make you feel the magic of every day things:

"Don't you love New York in the fall? Makes me want to buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address."

They tell us what the characters are truly passionate about:

"When you read a book as a child, it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does."

They give voice to the vulnerable parts of ourselves that we can't quite voice ourselves:

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

They communicate the character's seriousness about pursuing a relationship:

"If I hadn't been Fox Books and you hadn't been The Shop Around the Corner, and you and I had just, met....I would have asked for your number, and I wouldn't have been able to wait twenty-four hours before calling you and saying, "Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee or, you know, drinks or dinner or a movie... for as long as we both shall live?" And you and I would have never been at war. And the only thing we'd fight about would be which video to rent on a Saturday night."

 In Voicemails to Isabelle the main attraction seems to be access to people's unfiltered thoughts and as a result the audience has to endure the following lines:

"You know, who needs a midnight kiss when you can smash a taco? Am I right?"

and

"I don’t really have the tools for this. But… you make me feel brave. You make me feel everything. I know that you don’t need a man, Jill. But I sure as hell need you."

(Kisses her while her mouth is full of taco)

"That was good. Really good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I feel like Meg Ryan."

UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

At least we have a SMIDGEN of self awareness in the movie with this line:

"This is like some sick reboot of You've Got Mail."

"Tom Hanks is America's Sweetheart---"

"YOU ARE NOT TOM HANKS!"

Finally, something I can agree with. He is not Tom Hanks, she is definitely not Meg Ryan....and calling Voicemails for Isabelle a reboot of You've Got Mail is movie heresy.

Flow of Consciousness....

I want out.

I want out. 

I want out.

Terrified of the moment this all catches up with us and is undeniable by those defending this administration.

Terrified of how many more lives are going to be lost or ruined while we sit back and watch this train wreck.

Holding on to faith and asking what I can do in this moment. It never feels like enough. It never feels like it's going to make a difference. And it might not. But maybe that's not the point. Maybe it's not my job to "make a difference". Maybe it's my job to try. Maybe it's my job to plant seeds without knowing which ones are going to blossom.

Sometimes the trees are bare, but they still provide a home for birds.

Sometimes presence is all we can do. It might not make it better. Maybe it'll make it less bad.

I want a better life for my children. But maybe a better life will not create the children that I want. Maybe we need to do the best we can with what we have. 

I maybe by staying here in the yuck I can make a better life for someone else's children. 

So many other people  engage in the yuck on Facebook and everywhere else. I'm over here crying for peace and struggling to figure out what that looks like. How do we have peace when no one is willing to listen? I cannot make others listen. I can only be a listener. I can hold space. I can hold boundaries. Maybe someone will someday get to the point where they might listen to me? I don't know.

I just know that I'm tired.

I'm tired of waking up to acts of war every day, domestic and foreign.

I'm tired of worrying about my friends in Ukraine.

I'm tired of the mental gymnastics.

I'm tired of always worrying that I'm saying the wrong thing, even if it's the honest thing.

I'm tired of nobody feeling safe.

We could move to another state, another country. That might mean saying good-bye to some family members forever.

What's going to happen to Matthew's job?

Do I go back to work?

I want to support Public Schools, but also I don't want to go anywhere near a public school.

I loved my time in private schools (correction: ONE private school), but I would not return there either.

How sustainable is homeschooling for me? Mentally? Financially? Long term?

Everything feels hard.

Nothing feels easy.

Starting to feel like I've "made it" at church now. I have friends. I have a place. I feel like I belong. How would that change if I were honest about all the things I really think?

Am I ruining my kids? Do I over-worry about James and not enough about Emberleigh and Evelyn? Am I giving them complexes? Am I too involved or not enough involved? Am I giving them the right kind of skills? 

Do other people think I spoil my children or give too much power away?

Most certainly, yes. Doesn't matter. It bothers me. Sometimes it's true. Sometimes it's not. I can not worry about how I look to other people. It's too much of a distraction and it completely disables me from doing what I need to do.

I'm so tired.

I'm 38 and I haven't been to a doctor since my 20s...(not counting natal appointments). I should go to the dentist and the doctor. Technically, we're insured. But starting that mess feels overwhelming. I can barely keep up with stuff for my kids.

Speaking of kids, James has been seeing a play therapist and I'm ready to end appointments because I don't think this particular situation is worth it, but I feel bad because it's a ministry, the girl makes next to nothing and I don't like conflict, so I need to end it but I keep not doing it.

Ending it would free up forty dollars a week. That's my biggest motivation. I realize 40 buck a week is nothing, which is why we're able to do it. But I also don't think it's giving him the skills I'm wanting him to get from it.

To spend money or not to spend money. That's the question about everything in existence. I nearly have a heart attack every time I go to the store and buy five things. 

Birthday parties and Christmas. I really miss the days when other people were in charge of those.

Wanting to initiate friendships. Always overthinking every single interaction and text. Low-key wondering if I'm on the ADHD/Autism spectrum.

Even stupid stuff like gifts. Should I give a gift? Should I not? Will giving this person a small gift because I thought about them make them feel that they have to give me a gift which is not the point?

Someone does something nice for me. Do I reciprocate? What if I can't reciprocate? What if I can't reciprocate in the same way? What if I never do and they feel like they're always giving and I'm never contributing?

I've felt like I was the only one contributing to relationships before. It stunk.

Always talking myself out of things.

Wishbone. Ramona. Reading Rainbow. Mister Rogers. Carmen Sandiago. Ann Rinaldi.

Making up stories with your friends where you were never quite sure where fantasy ended and reality was seeping in.

Grown-ups that taught us to love first. That taught us we were loved no matter what. That showed us unconditional love, no matter what. Youth groups who texted unknown numbers to encourage someone who felt like they might be gay way before that was a commonly accepted thing. Because they never wanted someone to feel unloved. Talking for hours to someone on a landline. Writing letters. Long walks with a grown-up. Trips to the store with your dad because he could tell you needed a change of scenery. Invitations from your neighbor to join you for a movie because she could tell you needed a break from your family. Friends parents who took me to Sing Song, and out to dinner for graduation. Friends of your husband who reach out when you get engaged to tell you they remember your scholarship essays from LTC. Letters and gift baskets from people who know how much you loved your school and how heartbroken you are that it's closing. Communicating through broken English and Ukrainian and non-verbals to people of a different culture. Extended family members and church members who visited you in the hospital when your son went to NICU.

Once when you were still a baby, the fields just grew and grew
We were happy then, remember?
When the world was green in the blue.

Meadows, like a sultan's carpet beneath your baby shoe
They'll be yours again, I promise
When the world grows green in the blue

Stand your ground and work beside me, and Earth will bloom anew
When the mountains fold, and the caged birds fly, and the grass gets greener before our eyes
As the world grows green under clear blue skies
When the world grows green in the blue

Dr. Becky meets politics meets Paul meets Conclave....idk.

If you have suffered for a conviction that you had and gotten through it, it may be hard to see someone else asking for (and getting) the help and relief you wish you had received when you were struggling. 

Maybe you were shamed for asking for (or even just wanting) help from someone else. Maybe other people justified their lack of help as "tough love", but it really felt like indifference to your pain. And because you loved these people you accepted it because it was easier to hold onto the pain that you were used to anyway than change the way you viewed these people. Maybe you watched your parents, siblings, children go without and were told "Just work hard and you'll eventually be fine." And maybe that was hard to watch but you were told to take pride in your suffering and hard work and sacrifices...and you did.

"Why is it okay for these people to get help, but I had to suffer?" may be the question you are afraid to voice.

The answer...it wasn't okay. Your anger is justified. You needed someone to love and support you through that rough spot. You needed someone to help you with groceries, watch your kids so you could work, give you hope. It may not have completely taken the pain away, but it would have made it easier to bear.  You would have felt cared for and not alone. I'm so sorry no one did that for you. 

And maybe you learned important skills through that suffering that serve you well today. I am so proud of you for enduring through hardship and not allowing yourself to be conquered by it.

And the skills that you gained from that experience  are so valuable because you now have a perspective that you didn't have before. You know what it's like to be hurt and you know it's possible to come out stronger. You have the opportunity to empathize with people in a way that others who have not known hardship can't. You can redeem your own story by being for other people what you wish someone had been for you. Giving them the support you wish you had, whether that is financial, physical, emotional, or spiritual. And how powerful that will be coming from someone who has been where they have been.

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If you have suffered socially because you held to your convictions, hoping that those who claimed to share your faith would support you or, at the very least, accept you...it may be hard for you to see someone else clinging to beliefs that are false, harmful, and counter to what they claim to believe. You may feel abandoned, betrayed, and lied to. You used to believe the same things, but then you saw something that changed your mind and it wasn't even that difficult! Why can't they just stand up for what's right? Why can't they see how they are harming people?

Maybe, because of how you were raised by these same people, you were taught to love everyone. Maybe your convictions have led you to befriend people in different circles. Maybe because of these people you have changed your views. Maybe listening to others has helped you to see them as people loved and created by God. Maybe you have expanded your circles. And now it's very hard to see these people suffer. It's harder still to hear the people who taught you kindness speak so flippantly about those who are suffering. To hear those who taught you to follow Jesus support someone who is actively hurting the children and immigrants that Jesus told us to love.

Your anger is justified. Living in the gap between what you were taught by the very people who gave you your faith in the first place and the injustice you see every day is painful. It's lonely. It's discouraging.

And I am so proud of you for living in integrity anyway. For following your convictions even when they take you in a different place from the people who raised you. You honor them by doing this, even when they don't understand.

And I am so glad you have the courage to do so. I am so glad you have had enough people in your life that have spoken empowerment and love and gentleness and acceptance into your life that you could trust yourself when you felt something was wrong. I'm so glad that you were given (at  some point) the skills and opportunities to see outside of your circle of origin to where you could encounter different points of view in order to learn from them. I am so proud of you for taking the tenants of faith you were raised with INTO these new scenarios and leaning into them BECAUSE of what you believe about Jesus.

This is so powerful, because you now have a perspective you didn't have before. You have grown. You have learned to listen. You have learned to differentiate between the authorities you trusted and what you know from experience to be true. Have the opportunity to speak acceptance and love and gentleness and empowerment to other people who may be privately struggling with their own beliefs. You can call people to a higher standard with empathy for those who aren't where you are yet, by sharing your own life experiences and what they have taught you. How powerful that can be coming from someone who has been where they've been.

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"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:4-9

If you have not suffered hardship to the point where you were in profound physical, emotional, or spiritual pain...to the point where you questioned your faith and everything you were taught to believe, or maybe you weren't allowed to question. Maybe you felt that if you questioned you would automatically lose. So you stuffed it. You soldiered on. You didn't allow yourself to have a spiritual crisis.....

It may be very hard for you to empathize with people walking away from the faith or the party you associate with being friendly towards your faith.

Maybe you were raised with more healthy church settings than unhealthy ones. Maybe you saw the good and the bad and had enough good experiences to know that there are churches trying to do their best in a broken world.

It may be hard for you to understand how people can't see the good that can come from the imperfect church.

Maybe you're just removed enough from the crisis of the immigrant and those living in poverty that it does not impact your day-to-day life.

It may be hard for you to distinguish between worth standing up for and what's worth letting go.

It may feel threatening to you when other people use your own scriptures against you.

It may feel scary to walk away from the institutions, party, platforms, and people that were the "Safe, moral choice." 

It may be hard to see nuance.

It may be hard to live with "and".

What I want to say to you is that it is okay to question. It is okay to not be certain. It is okay to not have the answers. It's okay to seek understanding. To listen to and believe other people's stories, especially if you have never experienced the same things from the same institutions. It does not invalidate your own experience, it adds to it.

You will not lose your faith by being honest about the things that give you pause. God will not abandon you for listening to a perspective different from your own. He is big enough to sustain you through your doubts, and He is big enough to bring you to the other side.

Just like Paul.

Just like Moses.

Just like Naaman.

Just like the rich man who went away sad when Jesus asked him to give up his wealth.

Just like Thomas.

Just like Peter.

Just like countless other people who were stretched, who doubted, who questioned.

He will not leave you.

"Our faith is a living thing precisely because it walks hand-in-hand with doubt. If there was only certainty and no doubt, there would be no mystery. And therefore, no need for faith." - Conclave

"Truth does not fear dissection -- it thrives under it." Democritus.

****

It's been a rough week

It's been a rough week.

Behavior problems I don't know how to solve.

Balancing the different emotional needs of my children.

Finding out James' one friend from Co-op won't be coming back this year and walking him through that.

The world is on fire.

Then another shooting.

And another one.

The hateful arguments and accusations that follow.

The blindness.

The division.

No one is listening. No one is asking questions. Everyone has the answers.

And all this while I'm trying to raise and educate three kids at home in a world that looks more unfamiliar and scary to me every day.

I've never had a panic attack before. But I think I was very close to one yesterday as I drove my kids to co-op. I was legitimately struggling to breathe and keep it all together and I was on the verge of tears all morning. Listening to songs from Planning Center, trying desperately to hear God. To tap into something bigger than myself. Give myself some perspective. Remind myself that He is still in control.

It was a struggle. Holding on to my faith is a struggle right now. So many people I know have left the faith. Not just the church, but Christianity. They no longer call themselves Christian. Part of me understands why and it still breaks my heart.

I'm standing in the middle of two extremes, and I hate this place. On the one side are the people who have left. Many of their reasons make sense. I see the hurt. I feel the betrayal. I understand why many have left the church...But I don't understand the hostility towards the faith as a whole and how they can't also see that there are good people still living out their faith the best they know how.

On the other side are the people who continue living their Christian existence business as usual...but deny a lot of hurt and pain that has been caused by people who wear His name. And I'm not just talking about church-hurt. I'm talking about rhetoric and policies and lack of care for people who are hurting and a lack of willingness to engage with the problems of the world. They display hypocritical behaviors that have driven others away. And I don't think they're even aware of the part they've played.

The problem is that many of these same people, who think and vote differently than me, who support people who I believe to be doing real actual harm to this country...they are also my lifeline in so many other ways. I have seen them make sacrifices for others. I have watched as they gave very intentional language to students about how to be a good friend and witness to the world. I have been on the receiving end of their love and grace and support so many times. They have shaped my faith. They have raised me. They have prayed for me. These are good people.

And...their votes have supported people doing harm.

And reading the posts on Facebook this week, and the ensuing comments, was a mistake because I don't recognize anyone right now. I'm talking about the people who respond to posts and comments with sarcasm. I'm talking about people, whatever their persuasion, with whom I have broken bread, shared life with, gone on mission trips with, taught with who immediately assume the worst about someone because of the stance they take. Who demand understanding and grace and nuance but don't grant it. It breaks my heart and it makes me feel alone.

Yesterday morning, as I was trying to avoid a panic attack and get ready for my Social Studies class (another thing....teaching social studies in this climate....when I have almost completely lost faith in this country's ability to live out the ideals it was founded on...feels a little bit like teaching fairytales. So I stick to geography and historical fiction where people stand up for what's right and are rewarded by seeing the change they strive for.... that's a WHOLE other post by itself.) I made my copies...and then I just sat down on the floor and stared into space.

I wasn't there long before someone met me and asked me how I was doing. I told her I was functioning, because I just didn't have the energy for a mask that morning. She said she was sorry and she hoped my day got better...and then she sat down on the floor with me and told me that she has a son that is very much like mine...high impulsivity, big feelings, very smart...and also very exhausting. And she knows it's hard, and it's easy to feel like everyone else has their act together and are looking down on me for not...but with time and maturity it will get better and nobody thinks I'm not doing my job.

So much for holding the tears back. But you know what? They needed to be released. And I needed to let this one thing go. For once, this wasn't even the thing in the forefront of my mind, though it is always, ALWAYS on the periphery somewhere and it is frequently overwhelming, and I think she knew that. But it gave me the calm I was so desperate for on the drive over. 

It didn't change much. I didn't suddenly feel happy. The world is still on fire. Parenting is still hard. I still don't know what to do or how to live with this tension every day. But something shifted. I felt seen. I was seen. God used someone who understands a big part of my experience as a parent to remind me I was not alone, by taking the time to sit with me and let me cry over it. I don't know if she thought this was the reason I was on the floor or if she just knew it was a burden she could speak to. It didn't matter. It gave me what I needed to go teach my Kindergarten class about Social Studies.... The study of people. Where they live. How they live. And share a book about circles and drawing bigger circles as we learn more about the world around us and welcome other people in. And then teach my 1st and 2nd grade class about cooperation and being on the same team and encouraging each other as we played games together.

I am aware that I am very different from a lot of the people I go to church with and co-op with. We vote differently, we parent differently, we educate differently, we enjoy different movies and different books. 

Whatever the difference is. And I don't pretend to know them all, they exist. That might not ever change. And right now it's easy to feel isolated by differences, no matter what they are. And...while it might be discouraging and lonely sometimes, it's not always bad either. 

Because these moments on the floor of the workroom can still be possible and it doesn't require that we agree with each other on everything. I have no idea where this person is on every issue that I care about. But she still took the time to see herself in me and sit with me. It may not have seemed like much, but it was enough to enable me get off the floor and do something small that hopefully will plant seeds of kindness for the next generation.

It sounds cheesy. It sounds simple. It sounds like not enough.

But you never know the powerful impact it can have.

I went to a protest

Last week I went to a No Kings protest.

If you know me at all, you might be surprised. I am not one to proclaim my thoughts loudly, and I do NOT like crowds. (Spoiler alert: I was SUPER uncomfortable the entire time)

If you know me well, you know how much I despise scenes of conflict (I am the ninest Enneagram 9 that has ever nined.)

So why did I go, and what was my experience?

I went because I am a Christian who has stayed silent as injustices that impact people around me have occured. I went because there is a narrative that people of faith don't actually care about the oppressed. I went because I know that's not true, but it's not always easy to see. I went because I wanted to show my support for the people who have been hurt the most by this administration. I went because I wanted to be the exception. I wanted to be a person of faith who showed up for other people. I went wearing my "Love Wins" shirt from one of my many mission trips to Ukraine, where that was the overarching message we left the kids with. The scripture on my back, written in Ukrainian, was “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33. 

I am a straight, white, Christian, American-born woman who was homeschooled, has only ever worked for private schools, and homeschools her own children. I went for the people in Ukraine. I went for the immigrants. I went for teachers and students of public schools. I went for the people who are afraid to exist with their differences. People whose beliefs, values, and life experiences align with mine. People whose beliefs, values, and life experiences are very different from mine. People everywhere in between who challenge me and make me re-evaluate. I went because words have failed me, but I still want to show up for people. I went because I believe Love Wins.

I met many people who felt the same way. I met many people holding signs that said, "Love your neighbor", "Act justly, love mercy, walk humbly with your God.", "Make America Kind-hearted again". People holding flags for America. People holding flags for Ukraine and Mexico. People who would not be out there just because of a minor disagreement with policy. People who were there for their neighbors, who care about justice and mercy, who care about their relationship with God.

I marched with people of all faiths and no faith and anti-faith. I timidly (again, very introverted, very outside my comfort-zone) joined the chant, "No hate, no fear, immigrants are welcome here" and "This is what democracy looks like". I kept SILENT and buttoned my lips hard during "F*** Trump" and "F*** Abbott" because I was NOT there to wish evil on them however much I disagree with their actions. I was there because the 1st amendment gives me the right to address the government peacefully and petition them for a redress of grievances. I was there to use that freedom for others. I was there for the reform I hope to see. I was there because I believe love will win and love means showing up for those with little to no voice. It does not mean hatred for the hating. (1 Corinthians 13:6-7)

Police were there, and I did not feel threatened; I felt protected. No violence occurred. No damage to property. Voices were raised, and even though I did not agree with every sentiment, the overarching theme was still, "Love your Neighbor".

It was a surreal experience, and I'm still processing it. I came away with a lot of feelings, both positive and negative. The older I get the more I'm learning to make space for nuance. Holding certainty and uncertainty, joy and sadness, faith and doubt.

I don't know if my presence made a difference. I don't know if it will be seen for the reasons I want it to be seen. It's not up to me, and that's part of what I'm holding. I have so much love for people who think so vastly different from me on so many things, and one thing I truly do hate is how we can't be honest with each other. I try not to be dishonest about who I am and what I believe, but the truth is I keep a lot to myself. The ironic thing is that even though this scene (crowded, loud, full of angry voices) was most definitely NOT the scene I would choose for myself, showing up was, in some ways, the most visibly honest I have been about my beliefs in a while.

I believe in a God who loves EVERYONE. I believe that Christians should stand up for those whose voices are being silenced. I believe justice is more restorative than it is punitive. I believe in mercy. I believe love is the answer. I believe that ultimately God has overcome this world and the peace that we want can be found in Him.

(Romans 8:38-39; Micah 6:8, Leviticus 19:33-34, Matthew 22:37-40)

If you have read this far, thank you for hearing me.

"I tell you these things so that in me you will have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart!

I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Love Wins, Camp Smerichka

           Can you tell how uncomfortable I am?

                                                                                THIS!