"The Lord has led us..."

I'm contemplating this phrase, which I am seeing a lot of lately, usually in conjunction with joining a certain school...probably because that's where my attention is.

It's odd to see people being led to something that I have been led away from. They say God is leading them toward something and away from the good thing that we once shared. I can't argue with that. I have no idea what God will do with them in their situation.

Heck, I don't know what God's going to do with me in this place I feel stuck in.

And that's the root of my frustration. My values, convictions, and general life situation lead me to say no to things that others feel led towards. But doing that keeps me where I am with no clear answers while others move on to a place of belonging. Am I stuck because I don't have enough faith to consider a different outcome for our family? Or is it because I'm meant to stay where I am?

Lots of things would be easier for me and my family if I sent my kids to school elsewhere. I could get a break. I could volunteer. I could figure out a new career and contribute financially to our family.

But what would the trade offs be? For the first time EVER I actually considered Charter Schools (which people on both sides of the education spectrum have very strong feelings about). 

I'm not interested in a private school that's going to be an elite social club that teaches my kids to be afraid of "The World", requires us to believe exactly the same way they do about the Bible, or sees themselves as a protection against false teachings rather than a mission field. 

I'm not interested in being told what curriculum to use for a hybrid model, driving 45 minutes twice a week, or paying significant amounts of money every month. I don't feel good about using the grant to afford private school for my children.

I'm also not interested in sending my kids to a public school where they have to be there at 7:15, will get lost in a sea of 30 kids, be exposed to all sorts of things they won't be ready for, get labeled as a behavior problem because they can't sit still, and get caught in the politician's culture wars. I'm definitely not interested in getting any calls saying the school is on lock-down because of a threat.

I'm not interested in any school that prioritizes "rigor" over the child and their love of learning. 

I realize I'm picky and that my choosiness limits my options across the board.

Anywhere I send my children there is a culture war waiting to win us over to their side. When did educating kids become such a war zone?

To be clear, I have huge amounts of respect for anyone willing to venture out into that war zone, no matter where they teach. In every situation, public, private, charter, and home school there are dedicated educators doing good work with the people and resources available to them. No situation is perfect, I don't care what you choose.

And despite my own convictions, I am aware that other people consider the same options and come to different conclusions, either because they have to or because they choose to. I am aware that not everyone is in the position I am with the same kids, the same resources, and the same privilege that I have. I don't judge them for their decisions. I just sometimes feel lonely because of mine.

At what point are my values holding me hostage? At what point am I not allowing God to work through an imperfect situation because I refuse to consider that PARTICULAR imperfect situation?

I am well aware of the huge responsibility and privilege that comes with being ABLE to choose. I wish I could feel good about sending my kids to a school with more resources, more people, more kids. More opportunities to be challenged and think and grow. 

I haven't found the option that feels right to me yet. Again, whether that is due to a lack of faith or a lack of leading, I'm not sure. I'm trying to be open to God's leading, even if it looks different than I think it should. I am praying for direction.

But in the absence of a clear answer right now, I'm still waiting and hoping I'm not missing something.

**UPDATE**

I said, "In the absence of a clear answer."

Then I sent a group text to the remaining people in my co-op telling them where the numbers of enrollment were and that it wasn't looking good for our regular routine to continue. They all responded positively and gently and we are meeting to discuss what it could look like going forward. Then the church office e-mailed me and I told them where we were, all but finalizing it.

That felt pretty clear. And I felt peace.

And so, I signed my two oldest up for classes at the Y. This gives them structured time with kids their own age once a week, it gives them diversity, and it's electives so I don't have to worry too much about content. I don't know where we're going, but I know one door is closing and others are opening. That's enough for now.

Back to School

 I always get a little nostalgic around this time of year as I scroll through my friends' various back-to-school posts. Whether they are going back to school as a teacher, or sending their kid off for the first time, or to a new school, or a new grade. I remember the times when I was a part of that season and I was looking forward to a fresh new year with a combination of new and familiar students, new challenges, freshly decorated classrooms, and a solid team of teachers and administrators who had my back (Yes, I know. I had the dream.)

I still have a bit of the excitement as a homeschool mom. There's new curriculum, new subjects, new supplies. And to some extent, new teachers. We are entering our fourth year at the preschool at our church, but now it's just my youngest there. I'm thankful for those teachers and that team that has been there for all three of my children. I'm thankful for the teachers who have taught my children at church, through co-op, and at various camps and VBS events. People who know my kids and have contributed to their growth over the years.

But this year the back to school nostalgia is hitting different. Because while everyone else is going back to a team of people, we're stuck in limbo waiting to see what will happen with our one-day-a-week co-op. My girls have people ready to teach them Science and Social Studies. My son's teachers are dependent on whether or not we add more kids to his class. A possibility that is looking less likely the closer we get to the start of school.

This year, it feels like we're being left behind. Everyone has their groups and we are on our own. 

And yes, I chose to homeschool. I chose not to do a hybrid program. But I wasn't counting on it being so lonely, especially when there are so many homeschooling families in our community. I wasn't counting on having to be the one to decide whether or not our co-op even meets this year based on enrollment of kids in my son's age bracket. Whether to keep it alive for my girls, or kill it because it doesn't have a place for my son.

Not going to lie, I am feeling a little bit abandoned. I'm trying hard to keep resentment at bay, but I've been here before...and while it's not as traumatic as the last time, it is poking at my insecurities in ways the last time didn't.

And yes, it's also true that our situation with the co-op wasn't perfect and even with it I have a lot of questions, uncertainties, and stressors when it comes to educating my children, particularly with my almost-certainly-GT-possibly-but-not-confirmed-ADHD child, and with the prevalent homeschooling culture in general. And maybe this shifting is making way for something that will ultimately be better for our family.

I hope so. But I don't know that. And that's where I'm living right now. 

I know that ultimately, we will be okay. This is not the end of the world. God will work it out. I believe that, truly. I know we have resources and education that not everyone has. I know that many, many people find a way to educate their kids with consideration of more factors than I have going on. There ARE options out there. It may just be a matter of letting go of my own vision and seeing what God can do with it.

Things I do not care about

Arguments about Artificial Intelligence - No, I will not pick a side. Yes, I would be fine if it disappeared. Yes, I also still use it..I also use cellphones and I wish those would disappear. This is the world we live in. We're all doing our best to cope.

Literal, Figurative, or Inspired scripture arguments. Don't care.

I do not care what school your kids go to. 

I do not care if you are Team public, home school, or private school. I make my own choices based on what is right for me and my family and I support you as you do the same.

I do not care whether or not you medicate your ADHD or your children's ADHD.

I DO care that you take responsibility for what's yours

I do not care what books your children read or do not read. I'm interested, but I'm not judging.

I do not care if you say The Pledge of Allegiance or have the 10 Commandments in your room. I have feelings about both, but you do you.

I DO care about the way you speak about teachers, regardless of where they teach.

I do not care what curriculum you use. I care what curriculum I use, but again: you do you.

I do not care if you vaccinate your children. I DO care what you tell other people about vaccinations if you can't back it up with a medical study.

I do not care if you breastfed or used formula, had a medicated or unmedicated birth, are Team hospital, home birth, or birthing center. I DO care that you respect other people's choices and recognize that they have nothing to do with yours.

I do not care if you believe in 7 day literal Creation or the idea that Genesis was written by an ancient biblical author using his own understanding of the world to write about the God he knew.

I do not care if you are "Old Earth" or "New Earth". I have questions if you are "Flat Earth", but mostly I'm just curious about that one...

I do not care that there are inconsistencies in the Bible. I DO care that we acknowledge their existence and leave room for interpretation. I believe there is room for faithful, academic (though limited, because, human) interpretation without throwing out Science or Faith.

I do not care if you say "Word of God" when referring to scripture, or what translation you use.

I do not care if you used TEFA.

I do not care if you did not use TEFA.

I DO have feelings and opinions about the existence of TEFA, but that's another story that I am willing to share if you approach with curiosity and respect, knowing I am not judging you for your choices, and with the expectation that you will not judge me for mine.

I do not care whether you consider yourself "pro life" or "pro choice". I DO care about how you live that out.

I do not care what you think about gender roles, gender identity, LGBTQ+, pronouns, woke/not-woke, whatever. I DO care how you treat people who are different than you and whether you are speaking and acting towards them in the same way you would want them to speak and act towards you.

I do not care if you are for or against immigration, whether you think we should have closed or open borders. The arguments for and against both are so far above my education and pay grade that I'm not going to argue one way or the other.

I DO care about how the people who are already here are treated regardless of their legal status.

I am not interested in culture wars. I refuse to draw a line between "us" and "them", "the church" and "the world", "liberals" and "conservatives" or whatever categories you want to use. We all have something to learn from each other.

It doesn't mean I don't have beliefs and convictions.

It doesn't mean I don't believe in right and wrong.

It doesn't mean I think we should accept every viewpoint.

It doesn't mean I don't have boundaries for myself and my family.

It means I understand we're all doing the best we have with the knowledge, information, circumstances, and resources that we have available to us. I have a responsibility to use what I am given responsibly, and that includes using my listening ears when other people with different life experiences are talking.  Do I live this out perfectly? No. Do I have biases? Definitely! You can look back over my list of "don't cares" and probably pick up on a few of them.

But I am so tired of the landmines around absolutely everything, from groceries to politics. Nothing is safe anymore, and I'm tired of it.

So come to me however you are. I promise to listen to your convictions and do my best to respect them and learn from them. I promise to give you the Most Generous Interpretation. If you are interested in truly understanding my opposite perspective I am happy to share where I am coming from. I do not expect us to agree on everything, but hopefully we can learn to appreciate each other.

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Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.