Back to School

 I always get a little nostalgic around this time of year as I scroll through my friends' various back-to-school posts. Whether they are going back to school as a teacher, or sending their kid off for the first time, or to a new school, or a new grade. I remember the times when I was a part of that season and I was looking forward to a fresh new year with a combination of new and familiar students, new challenges, freshly decorated classrooms, and a solid team of teachers and administrators who had my back (Yes, I know. I had the dream.)

I still have a bit of the excitement as a homeschool mom. There's new curriculum, new subjects, new supplies. And to some extent, new teachers. We are entering our fourth year at the preschool at our church, but now it's just my youngest there. I'm thankful for those teachers and that team that has been there for all three of my children.

But this year the back to school nostalgia is hitting different. Because while everyone else is going back to a team of people, we're stuck in limbo waiting to see what will happen with our one-day-a-week co-op. My girls have people ready to teach them Science and Social Studies. My son's teachers are dependent on whether or not we add more kids to his class. A possibility that is looking less likely the closer we get to the start of school.

This year, it feels like we're being left behind. Everyone has their groups and we are on our own. 

And yes, I chose to homeschool. I chose not to do a hybrid program. But I wasn't counting on it being so lonely, especially when there are so many homeschooling families in our community. I wasn't counting on having to be the one to decide whether or not our co-op even meets this year based on enrollment of kids in my son's age bracket. Whether to keep it alive for my girls, or kill it because it doesn't have a place for my son.

Not going to lie, I am feeling a little bit abandoned. I'm trying hard to keep resentment at bay, but I've been here before...and while it's not as traumatic as the last time, it is poking at my insecurities in ways the last time didn't.

And yes, it's also true that our situation with the co-op wasn't perfect and even with it I have a lot of questions, uncertainties, and stressors when it comes to educating my children, particularly with my almost-certainly-GT-possibly-but-not-confirmed-ADHD child, and with the prevalent homeschooling culture in general. And maybe this shifting is making way for something that will ultimately be better for our family.

I hope so. But I don't know that. And that's where I'm living right now. 

I know that ultimately, we will be okay. This is not the end of the world. God will work it out. I believe that, truly. I know we have resources and education that not everyone has. I know that many, many people find a way to educate their kids with consideration of more factors than I have going on. There ARE options out there. It may just be a matter of letting go of my own vision and seeing what God can do with it.