"The Lord has led us..."

I'm contemplating this phrase, which I am seeing a lot of lately, usually in conjunction with joining a certain school...probably because that's where my attention is.

It's odd to see people being led to something that I have been led away from. They say God is leading them toward something and away from the good thing that we once shared. I can't argue with that. I have no idea what God will do with them in their situation.

Heck, I don't know what God's going to do with me in this place I feel stuck in.

And that's the root of my frustration. My values, convictions, and general life situation lead me to say no to things that others feel led towards. But doing that keeps me where I am with no clear answers while others move on to a place of belonging. Am I stuck because I don't have enough faith to consider a different outcome for our family? Or is it because I'm meant to stay where I am?

Lots of things would be easier for me and my family if I sent my kids to school elsewhere. I could get a break. I could volunteer. I could figure out a new career and contribute financially to our family.

But what would the trade offs be? For the first time EVER I actually considered Charter Schools (which people on both sides of the education spectrum have very strong feelings about). 

I'm not interested in a private school that's going to be an elite social club that teaches my kids to be afraid of "The World", requires us to believe exactly the same way they do about the Bible, or sees themselves as a protection against false teachings rather than a mission field. 

I'm not interested in being told what curriculum to use for a hybrid model, driving 45 minutes twice a week, or paying significant amounts of money every month. I don't feel good about using the grant to afford private school for my children.

I'm also not interested in sending my kids to a public school where they have to be there at 7:15, will get lost in a sea of 30 kids, be exposed to all sorts of things they won't be ready for, get labeled as a behavior problem because they can't sit still, and get caught in the politician's culture wars. I'm definitely not interested in getting any calls saying the school is on lock-down because of a threat.

I'm not interested in any school that prioritizes "rigor" over the child and their love of learning. 

I realize I'm picky and that my choosiness limits my options across the board.

Anywhere I send my children there is a culture war waiting to win us over to their side. When did educating kids become such a war zone?

To be clear, I have huge amounts of respect for anyone willing to venture out into that war zone, no matter where they teach. In every situation, public, private, charter, and home school there are dedicated educators doing good work with the people and resources available to them. No situation is perfect, I don't care what you choose.

And despite my own convictions, I am aware that other people consider the same options and come to different conclusions, either because they have to or because they choose to. I am aware that not everyone is in the position I am with the same kids, the same resources, and the same privilege that I have. I don't judge them for their decisions. I just sometimes feel lonely because of mine.

At what point are my values holding me hostage? At what point am I not allowing God to work through an imperfect situation because I refuse to consider that PARTICULAR imperfect situation?

I am well aware of the huge responsibility and privilege that comes with being ABLE to choose. I wish I could feel good about sending my kids to a school with more resources, more people, more kids. More opportunities to be challenged and think and grow. 

I haven't found the option that feels right to me yet. Again, whether that is due to a lack of faith or a lack of leading, I'm not sure. I'm trying to be open to God's leading, even if it looks different than I think it should. I am praying for direction.

But in the absence of a clear answer right now, I'm still waiting and hoping I'm not missing something.

**UPDATE**

I said, "In the absence of a clear answer."

Then I sent a group text to the remaining people in my co-op telling them where the numbers of enrollment were and that it wasn't looking good for our regular routine to continue. They all responded positively and gently and we are meeting to discuss what it could look like going forward. Then the church office e-mailed me and I told them where we were, all but finalizing it.

That felt pretty clear. And I felt peace.

And so, I signed my two oldest up for classes at the Y. This gives them structured time with kids their own age once a week, it gives them diversity, and it's electives so I don't have to worry too much about content. I don't know where we're going, but I know one door is closing and others are opening. That's enough for now.